I just wanted to say

I just want to take a moment to write something that’s important, and I don’t know if I’ve sat down and really articulated it (though I’ve thought about it many times). Perched here on the precipice of our lives changing forever, I’m so grateful to be where I am. I know I’ve complained about some of the physical and emotional challenges of being pregnant. I know it may seem like I most often am venting about stressors and things that are happening.

But every time this tiny baby moves or kicks I feel so grateful and full of wonder. I honestly didn’t believe anymore that this would ever happen – that we’d get to be parents. How incredible and fortunate that we live in a time where human ingenuity and science were able to give us this chance. It’s so humbling.

It’s been such a wild ride. I started this pregnancy so full of fear and doubt. I couldn’t believe that it was “really” happening and then when things were rocky – the spotting, the trip to the ER with the major bleed – it was hard to believe that we’d really have a child at the end. V told me that he knew we were going to meet this baby. I felt guilty because I didn’t have the same assurance or conviction, but I tried really hard to lean on his confidence. Then as the weeks crept by, I slowly relaxed into it. Past the halfway point, then past the point where a premature baby had good survival statistics, to the point where it seemed that having a baby was a guarantee.

Tomorrow it will be 36 weeks – just one week after that until this nugget is considered full-term enough (I don’t expect him to be born until later probably, but he’s no longer technically premature at 37 weeks). I look at the tiny clothes we bought and try to imagine a person filling them. I laugh when he’s moving around and tell V gravely “There’s a person inside my person.” I also call him “my passenger,” and often jump or am startled when he kicks me suddenly. When he’s sleeping it can be easy to get distracted by something else until I’m abruptly reminded that I’m not a solo act currently.

Yesterday I was taking a shower and I banged my razor against the shower wall accidentally and he jumped and I laughed then too. I “forgot” for a moment that he was there, or at least I forgot that things I do can affect him. He likes to hear the theme song of the Three Musketeers show we’ve been watching. No similar response for Brooklyn 99. He always wakes up when I am cooking or eating, I don’t know if it’s the kitchen sounds or because he smells things. Last week when I was baking cookies he went haywire when I pulled them out of the oven and the rich cookie smell filled the kitchen.

He doesn’t like when I do my TA (abdominal) strengthening exercises given to me by the physio, because I have to suck in my tummy and hold it, and I suppose it squishes him a bit. For most of the pregnancy he’s kicked me anytime I lay on my back, though he seems to have relaxed about this somewhat. The other day he woke up and rhythmically kicked me every three seconds for a good ten minutes until I finally agreed “Okay, okay, I’ll move, are you happy now?” Then he kicked me in a different place for another five, haha.

I have no idea what he is going to be like as a person, I can only extrapolate from what I know of him so far: He likes singing and listening to us talk. He usually kicks me when V comes home and he hears his voice. He has opinions of his own. He wasn’t moving for ANYBODY during at least one of the ultrasounds. In the last few weeks he’s been doing a new thing where sometimes when he moves I can hear an audible CRACK from outside. (I’ve looked into this and it’s totally fine, I guess baby’s joints can crack just like ours, or it can be air bubbles, etc. but I am pretty sure it sounds exactly like my own ankles when they crack. V says “That’s your son, my joints have never done that!”) He thinks my bladder is a trampoline. I’ve never felt him get the hiccups although people say that’s a thing that babies often do.

I don’t know what the future holds for us after everything changes in a month (or less, or slightly more). I know I’d like to have another child but I won’t be doing another fresh IVF cycle for many reasons. All of our hopes for that are pinned on the embryos that remain to us. So I don’t know whether I’ll experience any of this again and I’ve been trying to embrace every moment for that reason. All of the small things – making a baby registry with V, getting the nursery ready, having him feel P3 kick for the first time, preparing our home and lives to welcome a new member of our family – none of it is something I could ever take for granted, even for a moment. If this is the only child I’m able to have, I can say that I feel so lucky. I’m full of gratitude and love. I can’t wait to meet this baby and find out more about who he is going to be. If this is the only time I’m able to experience being pregnant, I’m glad it was with him.